Pessimism in a Box - November Issue

To: The World
From: Connie

There is no need to get overly excited about the Redskins winning, people. And yes...there are probably billions of people out there who don't give a hoo-ha about the Redskins, but I do. They are my team. I love them. Woot.

There's still no need to get excited.

I'm a realist (it's not pessimism, I promise), and the REAL deal facts of life at this particular time and place is that the Redskins are just not there yet. Heck, they haven't been "there yet" for like 10 years. They're slow movers, it's no biggie. Winning one game does not automatically make them Superbowl material. It probably doesn't even make them Puppy-bowl material.

             TANGENT:  Ahem...the Puppy-bowl is a real-deal thing where they put a bunch of sugar-high (steak-high? shoe-high? hamster-high?) puppies in a little mini-arena with a plastic blow-up ball and make them all push it around with their noses into the endzones. Because we're Americans. Forget sending money to African missions to help children with malaria. We're gonna put a bunch of squealing baby dogs in a pen and air it on television to 50 million people instead.

Back to the point...

The fact of the matter is we're all still fans here. The Redskins franchise doesn't even bother promoting the players anymore: it's all about the fans. I mean, if you can stick around after 10 years of Redskin horribleness and still say you're a Redskins fan (and are able to endure the criticism that will inevitably follow because of how much the Redskins suck---just for NOW, people. They're slow movers, remember?) then you are about as hard-core as a fan can get, and deserve to have a completely filled Fed-Ex stadium shriekingly applaud you as if you were Elvis-flipping-Presly.

And if your'e not a Redskins fan...well...shut up please. I'm trying to give a pep-rally, if you don't mind.