Pessimism in a Box - January Issue

To: The World
From: Connie

What better to be pessimistic about after just a little over a week into a new year? I am sitting in the gym right now... ugh. Death.

I've never been able to handle the dreaded "gym". I mean, I'm not even working out right now, and I can't handle it. I am far too self-conscious to actually get up and put on those ridiculous clothes and go into that ridiculous room with all those other people in ridiculous clothes, as they run and jump and pull and push on those ridiculous machines that do nothing but make me feel ridiculous.

Ugh. Ridiculous.

I didn't come all the way to a gym on a new year just to criticize it. I'm above that. I came because I have been dragged by my hair so that I can watch my friend (who dragged me here) be all fit and perfect and beautiful as she runs on the stupid treadmill with all the other stupid beautiful people. So, I figured, while I was here, I'd criticize it. I am not above that.

Maybe it's because only fit people go to the gym. I mean, I've always had a problem even just running in my neighborhood. And yes: I've tried it. You know that feeling you get when you think people are totally watching you through their windows and laughing at your puffy red face and the fact that you're about to drop freaking dead? Yeah...I get that feeling. Now imagine that feeling 12 times magnified because only fit people are laughing at you now, and you'd have an estimate of what I'd feel like in a gym. And no: I haven't tried it. I mean...would you?

And I know it's a new year, and we're supposed to be eating healthy and exercising all that Christmas/Thanksgiving belly-fat away. I guess I just don't care enough. It's a delicate scale between humiliation and health. In my precarious situation, Health usually doesn't win. I don't do resolutions for that purpose. This makes me weak, I realize, but I'd rather be weak than foolish. Because I know me, and resolutions are foolish for me to try. Let's just leave it at that.

In short: I hate gyms. New year? Psh. New year my foot. Ain't gonna happen. Sorry fitness gurus of the world.