Pessimism in a Box - February Issue

To: The World
From: Connie

So...Valentines Day...

Why, America? Why??

Because it is February, it is essential that I harp on the never-ending horrible-ness that is the Americanized Valentines Day. You know: the big fluffy teddy bears and the obscene amounts of chocolate and the gonna-die-soon-anyways flowers and the nauseating hearts bursting from every nook and cranny?  Why?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                        !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 <3"Oh, so we can remind the special people in our lives how much we love them,
and give them little trinkets of appreciation that they'll treasure for the 
rest of our beautiful relationship!!!!!" <3 <3 <3

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!

Um...right...because that's what it's all about, people. That's what it's all about. (Let it be known that the above quote should be read in an obnoxiously sugary voice and preferably with a lisp. Oh, and also...it's attempting to look like a heart and failing. Because I stopped caring about halfway through.)


I dunno about the rest of the ladies out there, but if my future man decides to get all gooey and stupid on me for one freaking day of the year, I can tell you right now that it's just not going to work out. Because flowers are NOT just for Valentine's Day. Chocolates are for like...every other date we go on (thank you very much), and Teddy bears better get ready to get thrown in the deepest darkest recesses of my closet, because no way am I littering my bed with frightful cushy things. Gag.


Let me set the record straight: I don't need thirty dollar flowers on February 14th. And neither does any other girl on the face of the planet. Heck, if my boyfriend showed me a dandelion he scraped off the sidewalk, and then planted the thing sweetly in my hair in late August...well, I'd be just fine with that. The fact of the matter is, Valentine's Day is a very commercialized day for morbidly obese people to continue to allow themselves exceptions to those chocolates, and for already rabidly obnoxious little girls to get mushy and idiotic with their boyfriends. Not to mention, gentlemen, it's a national holiday when women are allowed to hang you on a nail on the wall and throw amazon spears at you if you don't give them a bloomin' box of candy and a stupid teddy bear.

Does anyone remember what the real holiday was for? It's a day of brotherly love celebrating the death of St. Valentine. Yeah...it was a guy once. A guy who got brutally mauled to death my starved lions so a mob of crazed lunatics could laugh and go "Ha! Look at the Christian!"

This Valentine's Day...I feel like dressing up as a lion and attacking gooey-gum girls who coo when they see boys buying flowers for their crazed girlfriends. Feel free to join.